I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
