She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
