i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
