Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
