i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
