I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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