Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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