He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
