I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
