apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
