i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
