why didn't you poke me back
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
