ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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