but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
