The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
