Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
