Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
