A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Randomize
