I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize