I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize