dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
