I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
operation harelip BJ is a go
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
