I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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