Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
