I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
