Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
