Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
