Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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