Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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