i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
