I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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