That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
