I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize