It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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