i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
