I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
They are going to name an STD after you.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
