Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He felt like a one man threesome
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
