I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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