i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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