i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
