apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
