i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
