We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
