i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
