So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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