omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i believe in u and ur pee
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize