i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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