there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
