where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
