I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
