i don't like sucking hair
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
