Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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