broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
