i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
