Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
