Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
