I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
