Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
