I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
