theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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