I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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